In the days when formality was still an important element of American society, courting a woman was a lengthy and complicated matter.
At times, the ordeal might last several years. For instance, the father of novelist William Styron spent two years establishing a relationship with the first love of his life. At the end of this period, he proposed marriage, and due to circumstances of social standing was shot down. (Nice little subplot – the two reunited and married some 60 years later).
If etiquette books established customary norms for courtship, I’m unsure – it has never been my field of study.
However, last week while spending the afternoon keeping a 6-year old boy out of trouble, his afternoon show I-Carly, got me thinking about how dating norms are ingrained in adolescence. In the episode, a foursome went on a “double date” to what functioned as a fancy eatery (and served enormous salads and cheesecake slices). This struck me as quite odd… for in my day, a walk around the climate controlled comforts of the local mall was certainly a more regular “date” than a stale dinner.
I started to think about how dating was portrayed in Saved By the Bell… and, memory stopped me at the Max and at Screech’s attempts to woo Lisa, and at girls/boys randomly appearing in a member of the opposite sexes bedroom. Dating, in my memory, was hinted at, but very rarely explored in real time.
My friend Cary, who I regularly bother with questions about all sorts of mind-numbing things notes, “You often saw Zach with a random chick from the Valley parked in his convertible. Or, he’d ask girls out at the Max.”
We learned, then, through Zach how to impress a woman. And, this type of courting remained consistent through a range of programs created and produced by Peter Engel, the man behind SBTB. In such genius titles as California Dreams, City Guys, Hang Time, Malibu, CA, and USA High, courtship is alluded to with moments of bluster and cool guy posturing – each show has its own Zach Morris. Dates in all are confined to public spaces or events. We have school dances, beach club parties, and my favorite, workplace flirting (notable in SBTB for the appearance of a young Leah Remini as Stacey Carosi).
Stacey had a steady, a Yale sophomore with a strong jaw, who became rival to our hero Mr. Morris. The man appears in rare dinner dates, and also eludes to an early model of courtship that involves great distance and social standing. Sure, Mr. Morris was the cream of the SBTB social crop, but he wasn’t of magnificent breeding… or so the Malibu Sands episodes suggest.
The challenges between Morris and his rival border on the sophomoric. Largely, they are about showing off in front of members of the opposite sex. And, anyone who has ever been 12 to 18 years old is guilty of employing that approach.
Little by way of true etiquette is revealed in the Engel produced programs. Posturing, apparently, will entice the girl. Short bursts of honest emotional connection might hook her. But, then what the fuck do you do?
We don’t learn how to properly place a napkin at a meal. Or, how regularly to open a door (probably always… but nowadays do you always want to reveal emotional/matrimonial/sexual interest?).
Watching I-Carly last week, it dawned on me that Max, my 6-year old companion for the day, was developing at the very least an interest in dating habits. He laughed at jokes made over the dinner table. He smiled approvingly as one girl dissed the fat kid for his better looking chum. He was, sadly, picking up on some underlying signals of how to react to future dating ritual.
The episode ended with the fat kid dancing on the table (reminding us that they are, after all, still young kids) and in his attempt at posturing totally turning away the object of his initial affection. A potentially sad moment was reversed when a large girl essentially said, “Fuck that bitch, I like your moves,” and joined him in the table dance.
That the boy was shirtless was a decision made probably its comic potential. The ramifications on decorum completely ignored, the story ends (I guess) on a high note – people of similar ideals find each other (subtext – if you are fat and odd you are unlikely to win the hot chick). Still, any potential and relaying positive values and building a base from which a sense of etiquette can blossom was completely ignored.
My own youthful walks through the mall, informed by SBTB, probably suffered similarly.
Only now, nearing 30, have I thought about how the popular culture of my youth might have failed me. The lessons of Saturday morning television haunt, stories like Mr. Styron’s uncommon in my adolescence. His seems romantic. It seems full of genuine “getting to know you.” Our swarmy heroes instead taught how to get some eyecandy that will impress your peers.
Or for Max, how to behave wildly in public.
Yes, I realize the above shifts strongly from my previous post on first catching eye of a woman’s breasts. While that makes one feel like a man, the realities of dating can be frightening and full of second guessing. A false confidence often employed in favor of real confidence, that “getting to know you piece” can be lost in the mire. Thank you, Zach Morris, you might have ruined me.
