Just Give Me the Damn Ba’al!

I’m left unsatisfied by the current choice of religions and so I have been shopping my faith around. (Cross yourself, KV, this is going to be a rough one.) Catholicism leaves me cold and I find much of the rest of Christianity too haphazardly constructed to hold my attention. Scientology seems silly and Kabbalah is technically Judaism, which means that I will have to study. Talk about a non-starter.

I don’t like studying for anything other than my fantasy football draft. (Guess what? I’m kidding.) My lesbian sister is a member of a Unitarian Church, which was actually very nice, I thought, when I visited with her last summer. It was like religion without the guilt. And also without the men, other than me on that day. Just kidding, yet again.

My only two criteria for a new worship were that I didn’t want to have to touch people “in a sign of peace” and I didn’t want to stop having so much fun it is scary. So, after months of intensive searching, I decided to go with old school stalwart and Canaan fixture, the incomparable Ba’al.

Ba’al’s platform was all about fertilization and natural growth and stuff, but he had a funny way of encouraging it. And by “funny” I mean really, really cool and appealing. Did you see The Ten Commandments when Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with the tablets in the midst of this corker of an orgy, with wine being spilled on naked torsos of both sexes (calm down, Cator) and crazy, debaucherous partying going on? And Moses gets all pissy? That was Ba’al’s handiwork.

Even as a kid I remember thinking, “Man, how do I get some of that?” Not knowing, at the time, what “that” really was and what I would do with it when I did “get” it. (To be honest, I’m still a little hazy.)

Ba’al also encouraged something called “sacred prostitution,” an act that you can fill in the blanks on. He was clearly an out-of-the-box thinker, even as his acolytes were being killed by the Christians and the Jews, in a heartwarming tale of tag team religious persecution.

So I have just decided to investigate Ba’al to see if there are any living members of his church. Or maybe I will start my own chapter in time to throw a Holiday party.

The first step, obviously, is to create a logo. The second is to hold a seance to see if I could get a word with the Golden Boy himself, or at the very least, to have him convince the girls to remove their shirts.

I am so not kidding.