Mysteries of Life Revealed, Part I

If your husband is making a movie with Megan Fox your marriage is in a great deal of trouble.

Men should always pay for women, unless they are gay or unemployed.

You date the Stones, but you marry the Beatles.

Friends are either trustworthy or they aren’t friends.

This is the correct order: mini-Krackel, mini-Mr. Goodbar, mini-Special Dark, mini-Hersey’s bar

Prolonged eye contact with strangers always leads to trouble…or sex.

Friendships, like milk, have expiration dates.

Crabs legs are seafood for idiots.

Guys with bowties will cheat on you. No exceptions.

Laughing when delivering bad news is a sure-fire way to scare people.

People who use the word “gay” as an insult have experimented or thought about it. Those who say it to be ironic are, in fact, gay themselves and haven’t acknowledged it.

On a date, ease into the subjects of appetizers and relationships.

Vegetarianism for anything other than health reasons is silly. Veganism is retarded.

You can never be too rich. You can, however, be too thin.

Men will often choose straight girl friends based upon their ability to attract other women.

The people who make the most noise are not the ones you need to worry about.

Age is not just a number, it’s a lot of numbers.

Sometimes words just aren’t enough.

Smart people think they have the most to learn.

Sincerity is exhibited in deeds, not words.

If you think your “other” is unfaithful, it’s because you already know they are.

Let old people talk your ear off. They deserve it.

I am rarely wrong about such things.