This is what I think:

Sausage>ham, however, bacon> sausage

“Fuck you”>”Fuck off”, however, “Fuck that”>”Fuck you”

The Return of the King>The Fellowship of the Ring, however, The Two Towers>The Return of the King

Jason>Freddy, however Michael>Jason

Suri Cruise>Harlow Ritchie-Madden, however, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt>Suri Cruise

Grape soda>orange soda, however, black cherry soda>grape soda

Weeds>Entourage, however Dexter >Weeds

Death>Grind, however, Black>Death

No. 5>No. 8, however, No. 7>No. 5

Magic truffles>black truffles, however, white truffles>magic truffles

Xanax>Valium, however, Klonopin>Xanax

Serena>Vanessa, however, Blair>Serena

Jessica Biel>Jessica Simpson, however, Jessica Alba>Jessica Biel

Great white shark>killer crocodile, however, giant squid>great white shark

Clarity>Cut, however, Color>Clarity

Plum>nectarine, however, peach>plum

Jordans>Dunks, however, Air Force Is>Air Jordans

Stevie Ray Vaughn>Eddie Van Halen, however, Jimi Hendrix>Stevie Ray Vaughn

While other people are spending their weeknights at family dinners and parties and such, you can bet your bottom dollar that my mother-in-law is at a wake. I used to think it was just a higher level of empathy she possessed. But then the stories seemed to get murkier, the threads that tied her to these people became even more tangential. It has gotten to the point where, the last time she told me who she was honoring, I actually needed my Garmin to follow the trail.

It has become something of a joke among the family and a few select friends that have born witness to it. It’s a generational thing, and couple that with an Italian thing. I mean, I guess. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of such a service, you always do remember who came to show their respect.

In private, I actually admire such devotion and the strength of character that one would need to face people who are in such pain. Publically, however, my mother-in-law goes to wakes like I go to lunch, and that is pure comic gold.

You may be wondering if I have lost my mind. Many of you know my wife GG, and how protective she is of her friends. Now multiply that by a million. That’s her blood.

I’m sane enough, thanks for asking. I am only writing this because a) my M-I-L knows that I am (mostly) kidding; and b) she has told that she occasionally reads my blog and I have always wondered just how occasionally. And this is an organic way of finding out. We are visiting her next weekend.

Wish me luck.