A Zero on the Richter Scale

Imagine, for a moment, that you are Andy Richter. A funny guy. Really funny, actually. But, due to your own poor decision-making, and the worst luck this side of that lady who got kablammed by the Cat in the Hat Thanksgiving Day parade float a decade ago, you are sitting alone tonight in a darkened room. And you are crying. Sobbing actually.

If the story has a silver lining….actually, what am I saying? There is none. That bad taste in your mouth that will never wash out, no matter how much bourbon passes your lips. And there will be a river of it over the next few months, Andy.

Fifteen years ago, you came to national prominence as Conan’s sidekick on The Late Show. Out of nowhere. Pudgy, beady eyed and always on the verge of sweaty. No one would ever look at you and said, “Get that man on TV.”

Nevertheless, you had a few great years together, and your chemistry with Coco—as you sat side-by-side, like a couple of college roommates—was pretty incredible.

Then you quit. You felt the need to strike out on your own, for some unknown reason. Perhaps you met an agent at the gym, or something. I don’t know. Then came The Andy Richter Show.

It lasted about as long as it took me to write this sentence. Poof. And you went home. Thud.

Then the miracle happened. Conan called. He was getting the band back together for The Tonight Show. You were going to be his sidekick, his comic foil for twenty or so years. Holy smokes, Andy! The rest of your adult life was laid out before you, like a red carpet. It doesn’t matter that Coco moved you from his side to a crummy podium, where you shoehorn in funny asides now and again. Who gets this lucky twice in one lifetime?

Okay, besides for you and the former announcer for Jay Leno’s unfunny, uninteresting, un-everything version of The Tonight Show, Stuttering John Melendez, who may himself rise like a modern-day Lazarus.

Then disaster struck and those NBC morons decided to force Conan’s hand. He did the right thing, you know. Leaving with his dignity. And leaving the show to continue to wither and die. But he’s a smart guy, like you, and the third time’s always a charm. Conan may find another spot and decide to bring you back in from the cold.

And it’s cold where you are, Andy. Freezing actually.