An Open Letter to iPad Haters…

Dear Nerd,

Hi, how are you? I am fine. Thank you for asking. It’s nice to see that living with your parents all these years after college hasn’t spoiled your suspended adolescence. You still clearly have issues when talking to women, especially attractive ones. And, for some reason, you seem to hate everything Apple has ever released. Of course, that’s just before you scurry out like messenger-bagged ferrets and buy whatever it is that you were just trashing.

Heard you were squealing the other day about the iPad. Howling about how it doesn’t do this or that. Blah blah blah. The web was buzzing with your four-eyed pontifications and stupid tampon jokes. It doesn’t take pictures or something about multiple applications being unable to run. I’m not sure. Truthfully, I stopped listening at “It.”

The thing is: I think I speak for most everyone else here not named Beau or Jeff C. when I ask you to stop lecturing us, while you sit in your tent in front of an Apple store, so you can be the first to buy one and prance around your friend’s apartment when you get together for video game parties. Or whatever it is you nerds get up to when the rest of us are having fun with humans.

I mean, seriously: If there was an app that would allow you to sodomize your iPhone you would. (You know you’ve thought about it, dude.)

I have a new MacBook that is loaded with a trillion applications, 90% of which I have no idea how to use. Guess what? Who fucking cares. I write, surf the net, take three pictures a month. And I love my computer. But is it good? I have no idea. Still, if you try and talk crap about it and I’ll spray bathroom cleaner on your RealDoll.

To millions of us, the iPad looks pretty incredible, and I am very excited to get my bear paws on one of them. But so what if it can’t do five things at once? Isn’t that what you have a computer for?

All your back-biting, back-stabbing and backseat driving is doing is ruining it for the rest of us. All so you can act so superior, lecturing a world of simpletons about why the new thing we are so enamored with is actually crappy. Unbeknownst to us.

Hey, I want to sit on the couch and surf the net while I watch TV. I want to be able to watch a movie on an airplane. I basically want to have fun and not worry about what it cannot do. A year ago the thing was a pipe dream to most of us, anyway.

Is it too much to ask for you to keep your opinions to yourself? Answer me nerd, or I’ll tell your mother. And then you’ll get grounded for sure. Or worse.

No Comic-Con next year.