My Birthday “Want” List

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Normally, there are a few things I want and have begun dropping hints about: fresh kicks, a Vikings jersey, a trip to Amsterdam. Basically, the same crap I wanted 20 years ago. As GG says, I am both easy and complicated, at once.
This year, however, I can’t think of one thing I would be psyched to receive. Certainly not more stuff. The year’s been impossibly long already and I feel like my circle of friends is reeling, a bit. I want that to stop, first of all.
Here are some other things that would make me happy to get:

I want Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf to host the fourth hour of “The Today Show.”

I want all my friends’ boyfriends to get a fucking clue and propose already. Good grief.

I want Conservatives to stop rooting against the country.

I want to spend a week on an island with my wife, some Lincoln Rhyme mysteries and a box of Hoyo de Monterrey Double Coronas.

I want, whenever I shout, “cherry dip soft serve!” for a cone to magically appear.

I want midgets and dwarfs to live together in harmony. In France.

I want Patton Oswalt to follow me on Twitter.

I want to eat at Nobu three times a week.

I want Arizona to suffer cruelly for its immigration policy…until it’s changed.

I want Josh Ritter, Dev Hynes and Diane Birch to become disgustingly (and appropriately) wealthy.

I want Prince Harry to marry Lily Allen and move to the Village to found “the New York City Polo Federation.”

I want Sting to finally pay Andy Summers for writing the melody for “Every Breath You Take”.

I want all of my friends to get great, fulfilling jobs.

I want mosques to be built right next to churches and synagogues.

I want Bret Favre to come back for one final season.

I want Osama bin Laden’s head on a stick.

I want everyone who puts his or her hands on someone weaker to lose them.

I want Nerds to come in a blue-raspberry/tangerine flavor combination. (I know: I’m a broken record with this one.)

I want a cure for cancer, autism, AIDS, chemical dependency, Yankees fandom.

I want health care to be considered a right, not a privilege; gay marriage to be law; no hungry children; a path to college for everyone.

I want a happy ending.

So tell me: Is that really too much to ask?