A Relatively Shore Thing

“I read the letter and saw the word ‘wisely’ and knew it wasn’t Snookie. She doesn’t use that kind of language.” —Ronnie

For as much television as I watch, I have never seen an episode of a reality show where people must perform. Meaning? No singing, no dancing, no weight loss. (Toddlers & Tiaras doesn’t count, as I watch that to see the ogre parents.)

My favorite reality shows fall into two categories: animal payback/nature payback and ghost stuff. However, just last night I settled in to see if Sammi Sweetheart would finally give the heave-ho to Ronnie the smusher and I was shocked: what the hell am I doing still watching “Jersey Shore”?

After last season, I knew it would be compromised. All of the kids would realize why they are popular and just keep doing what they do: Snickers drinking and saying raunchy stuff; JWoww (my personal fave) threatening violence and covering up no more than 20% of her cleavage; the Situation and Pauly D avoiding grenades and scratching their heads like monkeys; and Vinny…well, I’m not sure what Vinny does, other than his eyebrows. And that needs to stop, V-Dog.

But I would’ve bet my life that I’d last one episode into the new season and then split. The World’s Deadliest Roads is starting, and I only have 8-10 hours a day to watch. Yet a funny thing happened on my way to repudiation: I got sucked in. Again.

Now, I’m not saying that anything earth-shattering happens, or that it’s an interesting or funny 48 minutes. But growing up Italian and spending time down the shore, I have seen folks like these. I have bought t-shirts from folks like these. And…that’s about it. I actually have more in common with a tree stump than these people, despite my ability to correctly pronounce marinara, mozzarella and ricotta.

Still, the new season is entertaining. And as oblivious as they still are, compared to the Miamians they encounter, the Jersey Shore kids are like Stephen Hawking. There’s enough to keep you busy, while you’re surfing the web, or pretending to listen to your parents’ phone call.

Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t required viewing the way “Animals Hoarders” is, but I feel like you should give it a chance. Here’s an idea: wait until a rainy day and sit through a marathon. I know what you’re thinking: 48 minutes already sounds like a marathon.

You may be right.